Depression

depression

Last night, I didn’t post because I found out some news that was very upsetting. My grandpa is 90 some years old, I’ve only ever talked to him on the phone, so I’ve never actually been able to meet him. And I have had this plan that when I moved out and went to school which is close to where he lives, I was going to go and meet him. However my dreams have been crushed, he has kidney failure and is slowly dying. He is unconscious and is losing his memory slowly. I was crying like crazy last night.

I had just about destroyed my depression, but I guess it’s going to take a bit more now. Just as I was about to win that battle that had been going on since grade 7 and even before that, it was escalated. Because my grandpa is going to die. My other grandpa died when I was 5. I’m now 16.

The picture that is above is one that I found on Pinterest, I found it interesting, it’s almost like a little bit of a comic relief from the depression. I take medication for my depression, ADHD, and Anxiety which I mentioned in my previous post. I won’t mention which ones I’m taking just yet. I want to have a few people who are reading this blog first.

Anyways to top it off, it’s currently pouring outside, my brothers’ truck blew up, (not literally, it didn’t start on fire) But the truck isn’t working anymore and he’s quite upset as well. We went to my aunts for lunch today, I was okay with that, however I wanted to go home because I was tired of sitting there. (A little info on my aunt, she can’t walk without a walker because when she was younger something happened to her leg that made her unable to walk. It was a pretty bad thing apparently. Something that isn’t curable)

I’ve been neglecting to care for my tree, it’s a money tree, so some of the leaves have been falling off. In a way it’s just like a human, if you don’t care for yourself, you slowly get depressed and the happiness starts to fall, or rather fade away. The leaves become crunchy like our hearts do when we block people off from our lives. But then there’s this one little leaf that’s brand new, fighting to survive, fighting to grow. Just like there’s always that tiny little spark inside of us that is nagging at us, trying to let us know we can be happy if we want/let ourselves be happy.

I write poetry, I have a thing with writing dark poetry though, I know it’s not healthy for you to do that, especially when you are depressed but it’s hard to just not. I don’t know how to explain it other than it is somehow comforting.

Today at church we listened to the sermon on getting closer to God, and what is really stopping us. Well the Pastor had said,

“It is faith that is stopping us from getting closer to God, it can be faith that stops us from getting closer.”

So he asked us, do we have faith in ourselves? Because if we have faith in ourselves, all we are setting ourselves up for is failure. However if we have faith in God, we will never fail. Later on when I went to youth I listened to our youth leader talk about The Prodigal Son. And one of the questions she asked was, why does God let bad things happen to us?

These were the choices we had to choose from:

  • Because God wants us to do evil things
  • Because God is cruel
  • Because God needs a little laugh too
  • Because God gives us a choice to choose if we want to do good in his name or if we wish to do bad in evil.

I chose the last one. I was correct along with many of the other youth. God loves us, and he wants us to have free choice on what we do. Not to go out and party but rather to enjoy our lives while doing the right thing.

It is currently 3:34 so I have 6 minutes until my next set of pills that I have to take. I also have to do my laundry, clean my room and much more. However since I’m kinda depressed right now I don’t feel like doing anything. And no, that’s not okay, I’ve still got to do my share even though I’m depressed. I can’t just sit around doing nothing.

I’ll probably post something else later on tonight or later on this evening if I can. I feel like I should because it helps with taking my mind off of the bad things, being able to tell someone else about my issues.

 

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