School, #Wednesday

I am currently having my second period spare. 

I suppose one thing I have been learning, is that you have got to let your tears out, because when you don’t, it turns to anger and you yell and get angry at your friends and family. You say things you don’t really mean. That’s what happened yesterday.

Last night I was too tired to explain what had happened, but I suppose what happened was I got angry with my mom, (by the way my mom has a crushed vertebrae) and I told her she was an awful mother, that she didn’t care and that it felt like she was telling me to get over the emotions. Which obviously she wasn’t and isn’t a horrible person. But you say things when you’re angry. And as soon as we got home, I went into my room, began crying and put my backpack in my room. She came in angry still and got me to get my laundry out of the dryer. And after I did that, I went back to my room, closed my door, and basically tried to barricade it. After my mom came and tried to open my door and she kicked it and pushed it open because I had barricaded it, she then proceeded to kick my stuff out of the way and I suppose I deserved it. She told me I was doing a stupid thing. Yeah I was. But I was angry. And later on I ran outside and hid from her. But later on I went to my dad who had just got home and talked to him about everything. How I felt what I said to mom and how mom is taking things too serious as of late. He gave me a whole discussion on how mom is having a hard time since she can’t do what she used to because of her back. So I started to feel really bad because I began to realize I don’t help out that much around the house. I used to.. and when she kicked my door it made her back hurt more so I was the reason she was in even more pain. Later my dad and I went and bought DQ so my mom didn’t have to cook and we then watched Steampunkd from like 6-8:30 and it seemed since I had said sorry to my mom earlier and hugged her and everything it seemed like it was better. 

This morning my mom had to head to work to clean houses and I’m worried about her back, we aren’t angry at each other now.

My medication has to be upped. I seem to be getting taller and somehow losing weight again. I’m currently only 113lbs and two months ago I was only 100lbs, but I has got back up to 115lbs but now I’m losing weight again. And when I was 100lbs my psychiatrist had told me if I lost anymore weight I would be in bad shape. And so I stopped exercising and started eating lots so I could gain weight. I did, but now I’m losing it again cause I’m not eating a whole lot again. I’m not purposely trying to not eat, like I mean I love food. I just don’t feel hungry that much anymore. And I used to think I weighed too much if I was 115lbs but now I’m having the opposite problem. I think my arms are too skinny. And last July not this July but last July I had surgery for my heart, not open heart surgery but yeah. I had Wolff Parkinson syndrome. And at that time my legs became swollen because of the pain and now my legs are finally coming back to their normal size, but I’m getting stretch marks. And I’m worried people will judge me because of it. But I don’t know I’m kind of happy though that my legs are the right size again. It still hurts to wear skinny jeans because of the pressure on where they inserted a catheter type thing in order to cauterize an extra electrical tube in my heart. Anyways I guess I just had to let this all out. Better to do that than get angry at people. 

Today I’m wearing a shirt that says “Over thinking will ruin you.” I really suggest people keep that in mind when anxiety kicks in. 

Anyways, have a good day people. 

I’ll post again later, thanks for everything. 

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