7:30 Believe it or not

Well it’s currently 7:30, and I well I miss my grandpa. I’m sitting on the couch, my parents and I just finished watching an episode of ice pilots, and it made me realize that it is possible to have courage even when things are going really rough, that it’s okay to be afraid, that even though you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you can’t show that you’re afraid. 

Yeah people say it’s uncool to show your emotions, that in order to be a cool guy you have to look unfazed by everything. But I also learnt today from a spoken word poet named Sarah that you need to have your arms out so you can catch the good and beautiful things. Yes you may catch the pain and the hurt and the struggles but at least you can catch the beautiful things in life as well, and not just block everything out. 

7:36

Yeah it’s that time now, I miss my grandpa. It hurts. My friend, friend1 also lost his grandpa and he told me that sometimes it still hurts, he also told me though that he once had cut himself. And I tried to tell him that he isn’t messing up everything, it’s okay to make mistakes. Everybody does. However he still felt anxious, which is understandable. Also, I asked him today if he still feels depressed about it, and he said not really but I think he’s just saying that, it hasn’t been that long and he still seems a bit sad in my opinion. So I’m going to keep praying for him. 

Oh yet another thing that I have that hurts, I have bunions. Well the podiatrist said that they were bunionettes which is different I guess. Yeah they hurt. And my heels growth plate is falling apart. And my dad had a massive heart attack 2 years ago and actually died on the table twice, but yet he’s still here, I say that that was God. He also has had two surgeries on his shoulder because of his rotator cuff. My mom has asthma, my brother has ADHD but stopped taking his meds and now he gets angry easily, he’s had all his vehicles break down within 1 month of owning it, they break down and it’s as if the world is against him or rather like the devil is continuously trying to drag him down. My cat died, my other cat got stepped on by my horse and I had to use my birthday money to pay for the costs, our house got black mold and was condemned. My grandma got remarried and that caused my mom’s anxiety and her to cut herself, which she doesn’t do anymore. She only did it once. I once tried smoking a cigarette when I was 7 and almost burnt the barn down. I once cut a star into my shoulder when I was 12, my dog died because an Allan’s disposal truck driver ran over her hip and we couldn’t afford to get her saved. We live off of disability money and the little bit we get from the church and from the job my mom does with my help. We can barely afford gas, my mom had to ask a friend for gas money. The church pays for my counseling. I only get fruits and vegetables once in a while unless we are given extra money. I dropped the plates on the floor and shattered them all by accident last year. I threw a flip flop at my brother’s knee cap when I was 13 and made him have to go to the minor emergency. My brother accidently broke my arm by driving over it with a golf cart cause we weren’t wearing seatbelts and I fell out (my fault) when I was in grade 1. I fell off the chicken coop and tore my arm apart when I was around the age of 6. I kill spiders or try to all the time. (Not very often) I sell art for my money. I write depressing poems. My great aunt died when I was 12. I’m trying to sell art for enough money to pay for my boot camp. I was bullied all the way through grades 1-6. I’m not popular. I’m a geek. I roleplay on a site. I have a problem with my circulation which causes me to always be cold and I can get hypothermia in -10, it also causes me to burn myself since I can’t tell the temperature. I used to steal money from my parents. I stuck a mini littlest PET shop in a girls sandwich in grade 4. I thought about suicide in grade 7. I saved a girl from committing suicide last year. I had surgery last year. I received hate mail. People called me immature.

And I’m still Alive. And I’m still kicking.

My brother just gave me a star wars wallet. 
That’s all for now.

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